A message from the Liberal Elite (driving a GTV)

[Tim Weston <soulcoast@domain.elided>]

How to Argue and Win Every Time

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer
clear of me at parties. Often,as a sign of their great respect, they
don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these
rules:

                                1) Drink liquor

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of
information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and
possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave
the room.

                              2) Make things up


Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU
are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for
the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836..07 before
the mean gross poverty level."

                            3) NOTE: Always make up exact figures

If an opponent asks you where you got your information,make THAT up too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the
Buford Commission published on May 9,1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this
in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled
underwear
in my bathroom."

                             4) Use meaningless but weighty-sounding
words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

                             Let me put it this way

                                 In terms of

                                  Vis-a-vis

                                   Per se

                                  As it were

                                    Qua

                                 So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.",
"e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you
don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to
say,"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you
say,"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians
qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak,but
they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

                           5) Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at
your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

                           You're begging the question.

                            You're being defensive.

                         Don't compare apples to oranges.

                           What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and
policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

                              6) Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right
and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That
sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You
certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull
any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Kind Regards,
Tim Weston
AROSC
ARA

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