know your tools

["Sedon, Doug (OD)" <sedond@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

DeTomaso Tool Guide  (also suitable for other italian makes!)
 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of  divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing leather seats and walnut dash inserts.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of  old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that  goes to the rear
wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off Metric bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human  energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off Metric bolt heads.  If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to  transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your  garage on fire.   Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the universal joints frozen to half-shafts.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench at the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about  the time it takes you to say,
"Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Pantera to the ground after
you have installed  your new Wilwood disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front fender of the wife's Taurus.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Pantera upward off
a hydraulic  jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters suffered when maneuvering an
eight-foot-long  Douglas fir 2x4.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times  harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground  straps and cooling lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery  to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a  good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles  at night.  Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the  same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of  the Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and  splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200  miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic  impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 25 years ago by someone in Modena, and  rounds
them off.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

------------------------------