WOB-joke about tools

[gambini@xxxxxxxx (Michael R Gambini)]

This was on one of the motorcycle email lists. I thought the Bimwad
population might get a kick out it too:
Mike G
93 BMW 325i
96 Honda VFR750
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This comes from Peter Egan in Road & Track, via the San Diego
Motorcyclists web site. (http://www.tfb.com/sdmc/index.html)   I
apologize if cutting and pasting it resulted in poor word wrap.

  HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

  MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
tonneau covers.

  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but
it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of
a sports car just above the brake line that goes
to the rear axle.

  PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

  HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

  VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

  OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
garage cigarettes you keep hidden in
the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look
in _there_?) because you can never
remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX
at Fort Campbell.

  ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

  WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would
throw them away for no good reason.

  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so
that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster
over the bench grinder.

  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Django Reinhardt".

  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after
you have installed a set of Ford
Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the front air dam.

  EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

  TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

  PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

  SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog- doo off your boot.

  E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.

  TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

  TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and
hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

  CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

  BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside
of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.

  AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

  TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105- mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

  PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old- style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
screw heads.

  AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.




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