Here's one for Fred.

["Nick Koleszar" <npk@domain.elided>]

Just in case nobody knows, here are some crucial technical details about
Alfa Romeos.

1. The brake pedal implements an age-old, sophisticated and rather religious
set of circumstances. What actually happens is that the brake pedal acts on
a special set of new age crystals that call in to power the might of the
universe. As all Alfa Romeos are the centre (center) of the universe, these
crystals are used to raise the speed of the rest of the universe whilst the
speed of your Alfa Romeo (relative to the time immediately before you press
the brake pedal [known as the break pedal if you haven't maintained your
Alfa properly]) remains the same. The effect, from the perspective to all
onlookers is that your Alfa Romeo slows down. Of course, failure to
regularly maintain and, where necessary, replace worn or out-of-adjustment
parts of the braking system reduce the crystals' ability to sway the mighty
powers of the universe.

2. In a not dissimilar manner, the accelerator pedal (more correctly known
as the gas pedal as it controls the hot air - known as methane - emitted
from both ends of nearly all posters to The Digest), acts on copper wrist
bands and an exotic (but carefully hidden) concoction of ancient and rare
snakes' blood, herbs and tree bark to DECREASE the relative speed of
everything in the universe outside your Alfa Romeo. The effect, to
onlookers, is of your Alfa Romeo accelerating.

3. Gwee-Bose. These are a wonderful thing invented by Signor Delco-Bose of
the GM clan of the "unnaturally lab-alterede mekkanical devicez" (sic).
First recorded in the Magna Carta. Incorrectly called anything from "Giubos"
through "guibos", "gwe-boast" to "GUI-Boaz" and "those ****ing ***-damn
rubber **** things!!!". More recently, Her Royal Lowness of Weight, Coleen
Chapwoman was discovered to be utilising such technology in her Loti. But
this is subject matter to be discussed between consenting adults only.
Gwee-Bose are used to allow the chassis of your Alfa Romeo to flex in an
unnatural manner around and about the polar bear momentum of the carz' UJ.
Of course the "Join de Vivre Universal", to use its correct ramen-clature is
never to be found anywhere near an Alfa Romeo lest one be fooled into
thinking it's a metal knuckle. Flex technology is, of course, native to the
West Indies and is a little-known hip-shaking automotive movement. Austin
used a leather version but this was only because of the alternative
lifestyle enjoyed by the diminuative 7. Again, by this point, Coleen had
undergone an early version of a fairly radical (and at this point available
only in Denmark) "hop-up" or "tuning job" and was to be known henceforth as
Colin Chapman. He/she/it was so longing for the Austin 7's alternative
lifestyle that he/she/it turned an Austin 7 into the world's least well
known sports car, the Caterham/Westfield Exotique Marque Du Excellance
Fleetwood Royale de LUXE Embarcatero, complete with vinyl roof with
"Clarion" rivetted to the naugahyde seats.

I hope this has cleared up any misunderstandings about the operation of your
well-worne, hand-tooled classical automotive instruments.

BTW, what I don't know about cars and mechanics would fill the world's
largest cup to runneth over....

nk

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Nick Koleszar : npk@domain.elided
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