Jensen Owner's Toolkit - alfa humor content

["Darryl N. Davis" <D.N.Davis@domain.elided>]

Hi
    This is hugely off-topic, except for one thing, it would seem one of
my favorite
    english margues have an owner's club with a similar sense of humor
to that found
    on this digest... enjoy and aplogies to
http://www.british-steel.org/

The Jensen Restoration Toolkit
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die
of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes
in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the
rear axle.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep
hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think
to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid
for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER:
See oxyacetelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on 541's, they are now used mainly for hiding
six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away
for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones
poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Django Reinhardt".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering the Interceptor to the ground after you have changed
the spark plugs and trapping the jack handle firmly under the exhaust
system and cracking the exhaust manifold.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft
pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of
the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to
round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to
a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last
tightened 40 years ago by someone in West Bromwich, and rounds them off.

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