tools explained

[cookiedan@domain.elided (Daniel Nees)]

I thought it would be fun to post this again for some of the new guys.
Tools Explained   by Joe Mathias and Pete Paone  
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war. Nowadays the hammer is
used as a kinda divining rod to locate the most expensive,
no-longer-produced parts, not far from the object we are trying to hit
and obliterate it.
Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and cut through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing convertable tops or covers.
Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivits in
thier holes until you die of old age, but it works great for drilling
rollbar mounting holes in the floor of your Scout just above the brake
line that goes to the rear axle.
Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cuting tools built on the Ouija board
principle, it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence it's course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
Vise-grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be sed to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand. 
Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer
(What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember
to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you bought at the PX at Fort
Campbell. 
Zippo Lighter: See Oxyacelylene torch.
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now mainly used to hide six-month old Salem's from
the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reson.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine usefull for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer aross the room, spallering it against your only copy of
the last Snap-On Tool calendar above the bench grinder.
Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to
say,Django Rienhardt."
Hydraulic Floorjack: Used for lowering a Scout to the ground after you
have installed lowering springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the brush guard.
Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering the Scout upwards off
a hydraulic jack.
Tweezers: A tool for removing Douglas Fir splinters.
Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floorjack.
Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a snadwhich tool for
sreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
it ten times harder than any know drill bit.
Timing Light: a strobosonic instrument for illuminating grease build-up
on crankshaft pulley.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and other things you may have forgotten to
disconnect 
Craftsman 1/2X16" Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicable has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transfering sulfuric aci
from a car battery to the bottom of your toolbox after determing that
your battery is dead as a doornal, just as you thought.
Aviation Snips: See hacksaw.
Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found uner a Scout at night. Health benifits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 75mm howitzer shells were comsumed during, say, the first few
hours of the Firt Battle of the Somme. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.
Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids on the old style
oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies; to round-out Phillips screw heads.
Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transformes it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pnuematic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspention bolts last tightened 20 years ago by and IHC employee in Fort
Wayne, and promptly, rounds them off.
Adjustable Wrench: As the name implies, is adjustable to fit a wide
variaty of nuts and bolts and accuratly round them off. Can also be used
as a substitute for a hammer or Craftsman 1/2X16: screwdriver when
either is ot of reach of the creaper.
Breaker Bar: A tool used with sockets to break the nut and threaded
portion of a fastener off cleanly when rounding the head off isn't
possible or practical.
Creeper: A wheeled platform that is designed to force you to hold your
head at a un-natural position that comes in constant contact with the
drop-light. It is also useful for placing your head in a position to
catch any object that you drop at arms length under a vehicle.

Dan Nees
cookiedan@domain.elided
The
"Good" 1979 Scout II  345/auto 
The
"Bad" 1971 Scout II 304/T-18 
And the
"Ugly" 1979 Scout II 345/auto 

http://members.tripod.com/~IHCaholic/scoutindex.html