[Prev][Next][Index][Thread]

1996 Suburban 2500

Yep, you're right, this has absolutely nothing to do with BMWs. Except
that the only reason I bought a big 'ol 'Burban was to haul PeeKay to
the track, seeing as how the combination of Sparco seats and Korman
coilovers makes the prospect driving this car from Seattle to Portland
and back down I-5 about as inviting as root canal surgery. But some of
you might be gluttons for weird and wonderful (like me) so I thought I'd
share with you.

I may be the only guy on the planet to trade in an M3 for a Suburban. I
got a little choked up, saying my goodbyes, thinking about the day two
years ago when I drove it off the lot. 

But the Burban: how to describe it? Big, very big. And lots of
cupholders. Eleven, to be exact. Which is interesting because it will
only seat 8 people: five normal people and three two-fisted drinkers,
apparently.

This one isn't your ordinary Suburban, no sir, it's the 2500 (3/4 ton)
with the 454 Vortech engine. That's seven point four liters, for you
weenies that still measure stuff in metric. That's equal to 2.46 M3
engines. That's almost 3 2002s and a 1600 thrown in for grins. That's a
lot of cubic inches.

Did I need such a monumental vehicle? Heck no. Here's how I talked
myself into it. PeeKay weighs maybe 2800 lbs soaking wet. A car trailer
will weigh maybe 1500 lbs tops. Some tools. Extra tires. A bag of Fig
Newtons. Willie Nelson's greatest hits. No way are we over 5000 lbs. Now
your basic Burban 1500 (1/2 ton) with the stock 350 engine can tow a
6000 lb trailer. So we're fine, nyet? NYET! We've only got 1000 lbs to
spare! I might have to slow down going over Enormous Mountain Passes
(assuming there actually _were_ any Enormous Mountain Passes I had to
cross to get to Portland, which there ain't). So it's back to the sales
brochure to see about engine upgrades. Ok, there's a turbo diesel for a
cool $3K more, or lemme see, a 454 for $700 more. Duh. Tough call.
Whoops, the 454 isn't available on the 1500, only the 2500. Another
$700. Ditto duh. Done. Signed and sealed. Who could resist? Instead of
some little toy truck built with Impala parts, we get The Real Thing: 8
bolt hubs, a frame made out of parts left over from Patton Tanks, an
engine the size of Rhode Island. No Red Blooded Amurcan Boy could ever
pass up such a deal. The fact that I'll never need most of the 10,000 lb
rated towing capacity didn't faze me in the slightest. We're not talking
logic here, we're talking Testosterone.

So now here it is: huge and green. Very green. Rows of leather covered
seats disappear into the gloom of the very back. Cupholders abound. It
looks like a stewardess should be rolling a drink cart up and down the
aisle. 

Start it up: Whoa, sounds like a Vette. We're talking big, deep, throaty
V-8 sound. And, with the 454 and 4.10 rear axle, it moves on out. I've
already fooled more than a couple of folks around here on the freeways. 

The ride: like sitting in your livingroom. Everybody tells me that, and
I discover why. It's true. This thing is the exact opposite of a BMW: it
tries to divorce you from the driving experience as much as possible.
Big, soft, floaty. Understeer? You don't know the meaning of the word.
But all in all, not bad. Decent brakes. Decent steering. Great
visibility (until you have to back up).

Load it up: Rear seat is removable, exposing a cargo bay to rival a
C-130 Hercules. Middle seat folds down and out of the way, and hey:
instant motor home. Whole families could live back there, no problem.

My kids love it. My wife, who thinks the automotive sun rises and sets
over the Volvo plant in Sweden, immediately borrowed it for a four day
trip with the Wee Ones up into the North Cascades. "The kids love it,"
she confided. I looked worried. "You're not going to let them eat in it,
are you?" I asked. "The kids love it," she repeated, throwing my stuff
in her Volvo. 

She just called me on her car phone. "We're finally on our way," she
reported. "How do you set the radio? The kids are having a great time:
they've got their water bottles in the cupholders, fresh crayons, a
basket of fruit between them." Hmmnnn.

So now I'm driving PeeKay to work in the hot August sun, there's a Volvo
parked in front of the house, and as for the Suburban? 

The kids love it.

Cheers,

John Browne
BMW ACA Puget Sound Chapter
BMW CCA
95 ///M3 LTW (PeeKay)
95 ///M3 (gone, alas!)
91 iX (Spunky the Brave Little Car)
96 Suburban 2500 (needs a name...)