RE: Automotive Engineering Country by Country

["Brian Shorey" <bshorey@domain.elided>]

> There was a joke that I think was posted to the digest some years ago that
> discussed how different nationalities of automotive engineers 
> would attach a
> panel.  It was really funny and I had saved it, but through the years and
> hardware upgrades I no longer have it.  Does anyone have this archived?

Here you go:

From: "Scott Johnson" <scott@domain.elided>
Date: Tue, 29 Apr 1997 14:53:36 EST
Subject: On the lighter side...

> So I looked more closely at the Volvo, and noted that all the
> connections were *screwed* into place.  Not clipped on, not
> bulleted, but held on with screws.  Hmmm.  And of the few

Posted this a few years ago, why not revise it...

A DIFFERENCE IN PHILOSOPHY

Each carmaker on the planet has a different philosophy about How a 
Car Should Be Put Together. Let's take a single case...

Let us say there is a single hypothetical panel in a hypothetical 
car. As a baseline, a totally unbiased (and therefore, Martian) 
engineer examines this cover and determines that it should be held in 
place with five phillips-head (crosshead) screws.

JAPAN: The japanese would hold it down with exactly five .05c screws. 
Boring, reliable, soulless, exactly what is needed.

UNITED STATES: For a long time, a US car's panel would be held on 
with three screws. This has changed, and now not only does it have 
five screws, all floor workers must have a communal decision as to 
how many screws it needs, and have the ability to stop the line 
entirely should a single screw be a funny color.

GREAT BRITIAN: As with the US, previously this car's panel would be 
held on with three screws. Additionally, these screws would be 
flat-head style and made of Britishinium Metal, a mysterious alloy 
that can rust sitting under six inches of oil. Nowadays all the car 
companies have been sold to the US or Germany, so see those entries.

FRANCE: Only Americans would be so obnoxious as to think how a panel 
is held on is important. Unions and employee pride are of far more 
concern. Please come with us to strike for ten more weeks paid 
vacation.

GERMANY: Every panel on every car is held on with precisely ten 
aircraft-grade titanium/tungsten alloy nuts and bolts torqued to 
precisely 15.402 lbs-ft. Replacements are sold only in sets of 20, 
and typically cost $350US. A German mechanic will explain to you, in 
graphic detail, exactly what would happen should you use a "lower 
quality" nut or bolt.

RUSSIA: Owing to parts shortages, each panel is welded in place. 
A cutter costs 8,000,000,000,000,000 rubles (about $12.15 US), and 
the official wait is approximately 28 months. However, a stranger 
named "Igor" will sell you a cutter right away for $40 US (cash 
only). You notice PROPERTY OF SOVIET ARMY scratched out on the side.

ITALY (Goes Fast approach): The Italian is somewhat 
different. If the panel has something to do with making the car Go 
Fast, it will be just like Germany's entry, with the addition that 
every bolt head will have a beautiful logo cast into it. 

ITALY (Everything Else): The italian panel has no screws at all. 
Rather, it is held in with a very clever arrangement of grommets, 
snap rings, and C-clips so that it seems to be Part of the Car. 
However, due to lack of testing, the rubber in the grommets rots in a 
few years, and since the panel can only be removed with special tool 
AR001.2399943.011034444.2.1.1, the rubber is hardly ever replaced and 
so tends to rattle. Enthusiasts of this car will have endless debates 
on the value of this panel, some will remove it, some will maintain 
it religiously, and at least one author will write a book telling you 
how to make a tool that will work out of a '73 GMC lug wrench.

SWEDEN: The panel in a swedish car is held on with 25 screws. 
Curiously, one has to put the car in reverse in order to remove it.


We now return you to your usual flame wars...



Scott Johnson
Alfa Spider FAQ Author
'71 1750 Spider
FAQ is located in its entirety at:
http://www.delanet.com/~sents/spider/FAQ.html

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