Haunted BMW

["Mark Huth" <mhuth@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

John,

Thanks for your advice...comments below.


Mark,

Ignore all the other advice. You were right with your first guess - the
car is haunted. To fix this it
is necessary to excorise the vehicle. There are basically two ways:

1) Contact your local religio group and ask to speak to the BMW
specialist. Trouble is this COST $$$.

I did contact them...hard to find a "religio" group, but I managed.  Spoke
with the BMW specialist!  He was, by the way, on a cruise with the Mercedes
specialist and a plastic surgeon, but answered his cell phone promptly.  In
any event, he told me the fix was trivial and only $2,600 down, the balance
after the fix was in place.  Total cost is only 11,492.67 plus parts.  I'm
willing but the waiting list is now 4 weeks long.  I decided to try your
second method.

2) But why bother when you can do it yourself quite easily. Here's how.

- - - Wait for a full moon and the midnight hour (being careful "nothing
comes tumblin down").
- - - Take your credit card and place it on the BMW badge at the front of
the car.
- - - Go down on your knees and spread your arms wide, placing a hand on
each of the headlights. TWO

CAUTIONS HERE;

  a) DO NOT mistakenly hold the high beams - it must the two outer
headlights otherwise you risk your

car turning into an Audi A4
  b) Make sure the car is on a level surface, handbrake on, engine OFF,
in gear and wheelchocs in place.

Get an assistant (who must be female) to switch on the hazard lights.

At this point you may notice strange things happening, like that
wizrring sound you mentioned, may start

up - ignore this, don't be put off, stay with it.

- - - Slowly recite the number on your credit card (including expiry date)
over and over again. This can be

difficult in the moonlight and those little digits are really difficult
to see - that's the reason the

hazard flashers are on (that, and to add a little atmosphere).

- - - When you can't stand it anymore, shout YOU COST TOO MUCH TO FIX -
WIRRING BEGON. (You can substitute

any other words for BEGON - like **** OFF - or whatever you like
really).

Then, your assistant (whom you have previously instructed), is to pull
sharply on the bonnet/hood

release lever. The credit card will fly up in the air and you catch it
in your teeth, THAT'S IT.

You shouldn't have any trouble after that.

Just a few closing remarks.

DO NOT try this in a public place or YOU make end up BEGON and the
wirring noise will own your car.
DO NOT participate in group sessions of this
DO NOT blame me if it doesn't work or Richard for allowing it posted -
it's entirly at your own risk.

This proceedure is definitely NOT in the Haynes manual but Bentley *may*
have it - please check and let

us know.


I did everything correctly...however it didn't work.  I consulted the
dealership and it seems you neglected to mention that the assistant must be
a virgin.   Those are all working at the dealerships these days and are
known to be in short supply here in Oregon, besides even if I could find
one, my wife won't let me keep her.


Thanks for the attempt to help.  BWM owners are the best!!

warm regards
Mark Huth
mhuth@domain.elided
The moral arc of history is long indeed, but it always bends toward justice.

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