Springs and related w humor from Poland

[David Ziglin <davidz@domain.elided>]

>From: Washbush@domain.elided
>Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 12:57:32 EDT
>Subject: Hey Custer, there's Indians in them there hills...
>To: davidz@domain.elided
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>X-MIME-Autoconverted: from quoted-printable to 8bit by core0.mx.execpc.com
>id LAA06400
>
>Dear David,
>Dear Friends of David,
>Dear Alfa List members who are friends of David,
>Dear Alfa List members who are not yet friends of David,
>And, dear Loretta,
>
>(I am sending this message also to Loretta.  She will read it, not understa=
nd
>a word of it, and unquestioningly say, "Oh, John, you just know, =85well,
>=85everything!"  It will be good for my shaken, but unbrused, ego.)
>
>The other night, when, after 10 hours in the classroom, defending myself in
>front of soon-to-be-graduating, final semester, short-timer students, as I
>sat at my keyboard and, in a stream of consciousness sort of way, went abou=
t
>talking to my friend David about cars and stuff, I never dreamed that my
>missive would become so widely circulated.  It never dawned on me that it
>would be read by individuals with one eye looking for a basis in scientific
>fact, and the other eye on reference material contained in real, honest to
>god, books, for crisake.  A formula for calculating spring rates?  Come on,
>give me a break.  It never entered my mind.
>
>After all, my friend David knows that I am well known and highly respected =
as
>a master at the art of gross exaggeration for the sake of making an
>insignificant point.  And, he also knows that I am but a humble English
>teacher and it never would dawn on me that if I said "hard as a rock" someo=
ne
>might actually think that is what I meant.  The same thing goes for "up lik=
e
>a rocket ship".  Although, with the recent successes of US satellite launch
>programs, that one is definitely still open for interpretation.
>
>So, I would invite you, under the pressure of embarrassing international
>exposure, to watch me cover my tracks and see if I can avoid anyone running
>me down on my blind side in the future.
>
>First, I heard from Ian Lomax.  He said, "Your friend is basically right, b=
ut
>a little over-enthusiastic.  If you cut the coils you will raise the spring
>rate, but cutting 1/4 coil off a spring with 10 coils will not make them ha=
rd
>as a rock!"
>
>He is right.  I am overly enthusiastic.  I always have been overly
>enthusiastic.  That has always been my problem with girls.  Some of them
>don't like that in a man.  That, however, is precisely why I love the Citro=
en
>2CV so much, which, in and of itself, is overly enthusiastic also.  It thin=
ks
>it can do anything a real car can do.  By the way, Ian, are you one of the
>2CV Lomax Lomaxes?
>
>I really didn't mean to say that cutting 1/4 coil off a spring with 10 coil=
s
>would make it hard as a rock.  I meant that it would make it harder.  In a
>rock like way, maybe.  If, by rock, you mean Ted Nugent.  Nevermind.  Forge=
t
>that I said anything about rocks.
>
>Then, I heard from Graham in New Zealand.
>
>"There's a formula for the spring rate of a coil spring which indicates tha=
t
>if nothing else is altered, the rate increases as the inverse of the number
>of coils.  E.g. if you cut saw two coils off a 10-turn spring (and this is =
a
>fairly substantial cut!), your new rate is 25 percent above the old
>rate...... I wouldn't exactly say that that was going up like a rocket."
>
>Hmmmmm. It is going to be really hard to argue with cold, unemotional
>science.  I wonder though, if you had a spring with 10 coils and you cut it
>in two pieces, one with 6 coils and one with 4, would your two new springs =
be
>40% and 60% above the original spring rate?  Just wondering.
>
>David's friend (that's me) continued: "A spring that is nice and soft at fu=
ll
>length gets as hard as a rock if you cut 2 inches off."
>
>Please, don't any one read more into that sentence than I originally put
>there.
>
>Then, Graham said, "This seems contentious!  Two inches of length of the
>spring might be, what shall we say, a quarter of a coil at most?  If your
>original spring is say 5 turns, the new rate with 4.75 turns would be only
>about 5 percent higher, by my arithmetic. Can't really say this is "hard as=
 a
>rock", I submit.""
>
>Geeze, I hate when someone points out that I said something stupid. How wou=
ld
>it be if I change that to read, "A spring that is nice and soft at full
>length might tend to sort of get a little bit harder maybe if you take some
>of it off somehow.  Maybe."
>
>Next from David's friend: "If you want to lower the height of the coil 1
>inch, like you said you wanted to do, you might have to cut 8 inches of
>spring off, depending on the diameter of the coil.  You get a vehicle that
>rides like a lumber wagon".
>
>>From Me:  No! No! I meant: "writhes like a lumbar waggin"!
>
>>From Graham: "More contention....!!!!  According to the spring rate formul=
a,
>if I understand it, the rate's affected by the number of coils, not the wir=
e
>length as such. So I go back to my example earlier, in which cutting say tw=
o
>coils off a 10-turn spring increased the rate only 25 percent....... not
>really lumber wagon territory?"
>
>There I go again, mauled by a marginal metaphor of my own miscalculated
>making.   It does occur to me to ask this question however,  "If you had tw=
o
>springs, each one made of the same material with the same diameter, and eac=
h
>one was the same overall height, say 10 inches, and each one had the same
>number of coils, say 5 or 6, but one had a winding diameter of 3 inches and
>the other had a winding diameter of 6 inches, would they have the same spri=
ng
>rate?"  This very question has stolen my sleep for years.  Just based on
>observation, it would seem that the one with less material in it, would,
>...well, ah....maybe, have a higher spring rate.
>
>Then, as if prompted with all of the wisdom acquired by a lover's evening
>argument in the cold, bright light of day, Graham said: "If your Alfa is
>getting old, then the original springs and shocks will have worn and weaken=
ed
>and will no longer be Anywhere Near the perfect match for each other which
>the designers intended........ chances are that minor mods such as a bit of
>spring cutting are only going to improve matters=85they all have handled SO
>much better."
>
>Whew!  Graham is 100 percent correct in the end.  We can argue theory all d=
ay
>and all night, but, in the end, nothing works quite as well as something th=
at
>works well.
>
>In my tired, exhausted minds eye I saw new suspension components on a car
>about to enter the race line.  I didn't consider that real world springs
>might possibly have fatigue.  I can see where taking a nip off the end of
>some tired, old springs might make them feel like you put them back near to
>where they once were, as a matter of fact.  And, if other people have
>successfully cut off the springs and "we do it all the time" and "no body
>every had a problem with this", then go for it.
>
>On the other hand, does the phrase "anal retentive" bring anything to mind?
>In my minds eye, I am familiar with and can see the results of David's
>compulsion for putting cars back in concourse condition and I jumped right =
to
>the conclusion that, for him, even the ultimate sometimes is not enough.  I=
n
>his message to me, he had just told me about his "new Panasports, new
>Hoosiers and, I thought he said, new suspension".  So, I thought, he can
>leave a proper suspension alone and modify the axles if he wants to lower t=
he
>car.
>
>In reality, however, Graham spoke the truth.  He said, " we're not made of
>money here I'm afraid, and bang-for-the-buck has to be the driving factor."
>
>In reality, he is right.
>
>But, where he is REALLY right is in this=85all that matters really is...the
>DRIVING factor.
>
>Best wishes to all of you gentlemen, and thanks for letting me share your
>page.  I have enjoyed this immensely.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>John Washbush
>

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End of alfa-digest V7 #753
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